Trust, complicity… couples that last are often the best of friends. Can their relationship be affected? Or conversely be strengthened…
Trust, complicity… couples that last are often the best of friends. Can their relationship be affected? Or conversely be strengthened? Our specialists answer.
“The best friend is likely to have the best wife, because a good marriage is based on talent for friendship,” wrote Nietzsche. Does this mean that the condition has become friends (secret?) Of the couples that last? The sexologist Ghislaine Paris, which has seen many couples in the long term, assured: “Any romance weaves an emotional bond that expands with time. We trust the other, we drop our guard, we feel he will be there for us in times of hardship. Complicity, trust settle gradually, as in the friendly relationship. Besides, if he was only a question of physical love, we content ourselves with fleeting
The question a lot of fun psychoanalyst Cadalen Sophie. “The presence of friendship does not necessarily lead to the loss of love, she notes. We are not in a system of communicating vessels, where one would empty and be replaced by another. The couple is a place where we wear different hats: we are lovers, relatives, associates, friends at different times, nothing is excluded. “And certainly not the sexual aspect.
“The relationship is sexual, even if only because we share an intimacy that we have not with our friends, says psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Catherine Bensaid. When we are with the person we love, there is an extra dimension, intensity, vibrato, which is not present in friendship. ”
Lots of sex, not friendship
So where does our fear of slipping gradually into a purely friendly feeling over time? From a misunderstanding, which refers to the symbiotic phase of passion. Early in the relationship, size does not exist in the friendly couple, because most of the time, we know little. “In passion there is little real respect for what the other lives, and even what it is, reminds Catherine Bensaid. We want to possess it, we see it as we would like it, not as it is. ”
But no matter: we keep longing for this phase when sexual desire was in full swing, without any effort or desire.
Cadalen Sophie: “We confuse love with the couple in the thrill of discovery. While the heart beats less over time, but not necessarily the feeling of love. The frenzy of early is not destined to last, otherwise we would be totally exhausted! The relationship becomes, calms the anxiety of losing the other decreases, which does not mean the disappearance of desire. ”
And if we were wrong? If instead, the ingredients of friendship present in our marriage were allies, not enemies of sexuality? This is certainly the view of Paris Ghislaine: “There’s always a dose of violence in the sexual act. It is important to feel confident, do not be afraid that the other abused, take advantage of us. This is especially true for women who need security to indulge in pleasure. ”
Moreover, these are the moments that bring us together sharing. We never make love as well after spending a day playing sports together, having vibrated at a concert over time, our nights are beautiful when our days are…
Bensaid Catherine goes further. “We imagine that it is friendship that threatens the sexual dimension of the relationship, whereas when a couple goes wrong, all the qualities of that feeling disappear, evidence that it is in no way responsible, she exposes. In addition, there may be a lot of sexuality in a relationship. But in a strict use of the body of another for his own pleasure, can we talk about love? ”
Regardless of sex, lots of friendship
If we are so concerned about the idea that sexuality is dissolved in friendship, is not it because it took too much? The psychoanalyst and Catherine White sex therapist examines the role that our age gives him.
“Some couples come to see a decrease in desire, but I feel that the sexual dimension is not so important to them, she develops. People should be asked about the place he wants to give away the dictates of the times. The goal is not to make love every day, but being at peace with her own sexuality, to continue living in harmony. When will we stop judging the quality of a couple of his only sexual desire? ”
Some put forward other values, and even if they do not make love very often, may not feel the lack, no frustration. “Is it better a lot of complicity and sharing, or a lot of sex without any of these dimensions? This is discussed, because we spend still more time standing than lying down! “Quips Catherine Bensaid.
Let us add that married life does not follow a linear curve which inevitably would we passed the period of the great love Arte programs and reading War and Peace.
The relationship fluctuates, has periods more inflamed than others, the important thing is just be careful not to allow sexuality to sleep: “We are always torn between the desire for comfort and security that gives us the friendship and eros, which is on the side of mobility, surprise, from the hustle and we are all trying to find a balance between these two extremes, “adds Sophie Cadalen.
First of complicity
Some couples find it hard to find this delicate balance. “I see partners who are the caregivers for each other, warns Ghislaine Paris. They always show understanding, an attitude of parental care, develop a fraternal feeling very bad for sexuality, because the plane then the incest taboo. “Most often, these are couples afraid of their sexuality and who end up on this common fear.
“True, it involves archaic emotions, exposes us, makes us vulnerable, bringing forth the deepest parts of ourselves, explains sexologist. The euphoria of the first month, some away from it, because it awakens the unconscious fears, that passion was dormant. Do not make love allows to protect themselves from the fear of not being a real man, a real woman, not to feel desirable enough or height, or lose all self control. ”
The friendship is it the cause? It is rather a convenient excuse, but that will be mostly short-term…
“Ultimately, these couples fleeing sexuality take the risk to avoid physically, no longer dare to bare look, startled when one touches the other’s arms. The sexual dimension mentioned above gradually disappears, and the common life turns to cohabitation, without fantasy or joy of living. Quite the opposite of a couple where friendship takes his ease, causes laughter and complicity, well beyond the bedroom. Love succeeded is to have the pleasure to join his companion, his mate with the same pleasure and gaiety that even his best friend, “says Catherine Bensaid.
Because in addition, we can make love with him…